My love, the cruelest form of being unconscious is when I dream about you. Because with closed eyes, I can see your face, I can hear your voice, and I’m almost certain that I can feel your touch. But just before I am able to pull you in closer to me, I’ve already woken up realizing that falling…
“I’ll always be here waiting for you,” were the words I never said, but wished I did. And even if I never have the chance to say them, I will always mean it for as long as I lives. If only you knew that my heart beats for you. Because home is where the heart is, and you have mine. So no matter where you are, no matter where you go—a piece of mine will always follow. And that’s just enough for me to keep on going, and hoping.
Everyday I feel you slowly fading away from me little by little. I feel us fading. But us never happened and I’m hurting by that fact every second in my life. It’s like ever since you met that person, I felt a void starting to emerge. I wish I could tell you everything. Everything that I feel about you. But I can’t. It’s impossible. Even if I was given the chance, I wouldn’t be able to. I don’t think I could ever form the words that could possibly describe how I feel about you, and how you make me feel. So I’ll stay quiet. Because staying quiet is all I can do. Staying quiet is what I do best,
When your new boyfriend tells you that he loves you for the first time, you call me first. You say you can’t handle it. You say it’s too soon. You say words like smothered and clingy and I’m digging my teeth into my tongue because you must be the last person to know, aren’t you, you really must be the last fucking person on this earth to have a clue.
You demand to know what makes you so lovable. I say empty, meaningless words like nice and funny because the truth is a lump in the throat. The truth is that I want everything that has to do with you, that sometimes that want is another living, breathing organism—a phantom limb of longing. You press harder, croon promises of everlasting friendship into your end of the line and I wonder if you can hear me falling apart at the joints on my end.
I don’t know when I’ll finally be able to stop writing about you but I imagine it will happen when your new boyfriend tells you that he loves you for a second time and you don’t call anyone. You swallow the heavy. You know you’ll get there eventually, that soon he will be who you call when you want reassurances of love. My face is already starting to blur.
I barely trust anyone. Not even myself, at times. But I’ll always go with what I feel is best. The moment I second-guess is when I’ll know that it’s not right. I just go with what I feel. I trust my own instincts more than anyone else.
The thing with life is that as it goes on, it changes. And we also change. It’s inevitable. That’s just how the story goes. As time goes on, we learn more and more about how things work. But of course there will be plenty of things in this world and in our lives that we’ll never come to truly understand. Such as my mind that you’ll never be able to grasp in the palm of your hands. I don’t believe that it’s always going to be a disaster if you can’t trust someone. We live in a world full of strangers and people that we can’t place our faith in. And that’s where the true adventure comes in. It’s going to be the lies, the backstabbing, the pain, the tragedies, the risk-taking, and the fear that’ll make your life worthwhile.
You just kind of have to see it in a different light.
I’ve already come to the conclusion that no one will ever fully understand me. And it’s one of the various reasons why I keep certain ideas, or thoughts, or feelings to myself. I could never explain such things in a way that’ll satisfy me. I could say the simplest thing and have a world full of complications behind it.
I often struggle with finding the right words to say. But it’s not like I struggle and feel defeat. No, I rarely feel defeat. Because accepting the fact that you will never understand has allowed me to move away from the world that you live in, and come to understand my own. That’s why I don’t let things upset me much. And for those who wish to bring negativity to my name, I only find it amusing that I am worthy of your precious time when you aren’t of worth in my eyes. You don’t mean a thing to me. So why waste your breath?
People tend to constantly want reassurance and acceptance from others. And it’ll be to the point where they live by the opinions and thoughts of strangers. It’s a sad road to walk down.